Snow, snow, snow

I have had a truly amazing day. Just stayed home and had my christmas cooking day. Started the day slowly and at my own pace. Me, Frankie and Tash have chatted and chilled as I've cooked.

I made rum balls (for us grown ups) and some chocolate balls (for the kiddies) I also made the Oreo Cheesecake Frankie and I had for our first ceremony with her dad, but made it as 22 cupcakes.

While I cooked, going back and forth from the kitchen to the living room as we chatted and watched this and that, I discovered that I have yet to watch my every year christmas movie. It turned out Tash had never watched it or even heard of it. I have now changed this! :-)

I love Bing Crosby, and all the old movies I was brought up on. I know, they are anything but politically correct, and they are slow and odd, but I love them today as I did way back then. We then watched Calamity Jane, my all time favourite Doris Day movie. Frankie is sitting on the couch now, watching The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers for the very first time. 

It's been such a small and yet large day. A reminder of how much I love to cook and bake for my friends and family, how much I love the small things.

Inspired by many!

The year is wrapping up and normally I wrap myself up in layers and layers of oblivion. 

I dread the 'family christmas', I dread the 'events' that see me scurrying into dark corners with large glasses of wine or scotch or other such poisons, depending on the people and place. My distaste for the end of year has been such a long standing one that until very recently have I even looked at this hesitation I have toward it.

The last few months have felt like I have been ducking and weaving dodge balls. 

And in that time I have let these drag me down and overwhelm me with negativity ...

Well it's time to stop.

The year has had it's ups and it's down. Amazing events and tragic ones as well. But it's time to smile again. To step out of the dark corners and enjoy every day, every moment of this life that I love.


So thank you for all of those who have helped me celebrate the amazing things I have been lucky enough to experience, especially those who have shown support for our wedding

... and to the ears and shoulders that have kept me up during the lower times.

I do love this world, this life and it's time I embraced a new year with joy and excitement ... bring on 2013 ... I'm ready for you!
:-)

Exhausted

I am struggling. For two weeks now I have barely picked up instruments of the mind. I have barely read, I haven't written a word. Until today.

I have blamed being busy. I drive now, yay me, but it means I have an excuse to say that I don't have train writing time. It's perhaps slightly a valid excuse seeing as today, Frankie has the car, I am on the train and I am inspired to write this. I still think it is merely an excuse. I have not allowed myself to stop long enough lately to form the words I truly have boiling up inside of me. Yes, I like that. Boiling!

 Reading simply reminds me I am a failure of a writer as well.

I am in a frenzy.

Write what you know! Research! Detach! Fall in love with characters! Use less words! Use more! Every sentence must be beautiful! Simple is better!

It's a circle of insanity. My respect for any one who has been published has increased just once more. The pedestal you all stand on soars so far above the clouds.

I can't write what I am going through, because the story does not feel as though it is my own. It impacts on me, but I am not the leading role. When is it ok to take another persons experience and twist it for my literary self? Is that what it really is? It is my story, but is that enough?

I don't know how to write the curve balls life throws me, and my imagination is exhausted. 

Ramblings

Seems I am on the insomniatic war path once again. It's 4:12am and I am still awake since I woke at 2:38am. I have only had perhaps four hours sleep and my mind won't shut down again.

Such pessimism is running rampart and poisoning my thoughts in this bird chirping hour.

Our baby plans are pushed further back once more. It has hit me harder then I thought it would. Frankie tells me it's to be expected. She never thought we were as far along as I did. I guess I got carried away with my enthusiasm, which I've heard has turned me in to a bit of a bitch at times. I can't help but worry that all these pushed out dates, these months of doing nothing are just ways to tell me it's not going to happen. Do I feel like taking the hint? The tiniest fraction of me does and then the guilt runs like brumbies through every part of me. Another six months of waiting before we can find out whether I'm going to be able to even conceive isn't that long is it? My body is screaming that yes it's a lifetime.

I wish that were all that was keeping me up.

Our world and trust in people have been shattered this week. It makes me question bringing a child in to such an untrusting manipulative and selfish world. Where people care so little about those they say they love. Doing things because they want to while abusing and lying and hurting others on this selfish notion that because I want it nothing and no one else matters.

The sky is already brightening up outside our window. The birds are chatting to each other and my body and mind feel wrecked and exhausted. It's a shame they fight against each other so much. You would think that after 30 years they would have learned that all fighting does was exhaust the both of them without any pay off.

4:24am, I'm going to try to get another hopeful hour before I face the outside world again.