Ramblings

Seems I am on the insomniatic war path once again. It's 4:12am and I am still awake since I woke at 2:38am. I have only had perhaps four hours sleep and my mind won't shut down again.

Such pessimism is running rampart and poisoning my thoughts in this bird chirping hour.

Our baby plans are pushed further back once more. It has hit me harder then I thought it would. Frankie tells me it's to be expected. She never thought we were as far along as I did. I guess I got carried away with my enthusiasm, which I've heard has turned me in to a bit of a bitch at times. I can't help but worry that all these pushed out dates, these months of doing nothing are just ways to tell me it's not going to happen. Do I feel like taking the hint? The tiniest fraction of me does and then the guilt runs like brumbies through every part of me. Another six months of waiting before we can find out whether I'm going to be able to even conceive isn't that long is it? My body is screaming that yes it's a lifetime.

I wish that were all that was keeping me up.

Our world and trust in people have been shattered this week. It makes me question bringing a child in to such an untrusting manipulative and selfish world. Where people care so little about those they say they love. Doing things because they want to while abusing and lying and hurting others on this selfish notion that because I want it nothing and no one else matters.

The sky is already brightening up outside our window. The birds are chatting to each other and my body and mind feel wrecked and exhausted. It's a shame they fight against each other so much. You would think that after 30 years they would have learned that all fighting does was exhaust the both of them without any pay off.

4:24am, I'm going to try to get another hopeful hour before I face the outside world again.