Ramblings

Seems I am on the insomniatic war path once again. It's 4:12am and I am still awake since I woke at 2:38am. I have only had perhaps four hours sleep and my mind won't shut down again.

Such pessimism is running rampart and poisoning my thoughts in this bird chirping hour.

Our baby plans are pushed further back once more. It has hit me harder then I thought it would. Frankie tells me it's to be expected. She never thought we were as far along as I did. I guess I got carried away with my enthusiasm, which I've heard has turned me in to a bit of a bitch at times. I can't help but worry that all these pushed out dates, these months of doing nothing are just ways to tell me it's not going to happen. Do I feel like taking the hint? The tiniest fraction of me does and then the guilt runs like brumbies through every part of me. Another six months of waiting before we can find out whether I'm going to be able to even conceive isn't that long is it? My body is screaming that yes it's a lifetime.

I wish that were all that was keeping me up.

Our world and trust in people have been shattered this week. It makes me question bringing a child in to such an untrusting manipulative and selfish world. Where people care so little about those they say they love. Doing things because they want to while abusing and lying and hurting others on this selfish notion that because I want it nothing and no one else matters.

The sky is already brightening up outside our window. The birds are chatting to each other and my body and mind feel wrecked and exhausted. It's a shame they fight against each other so much. You would think that after 30 years they would have learned that all fighting does was exhaust the both of them without any pay off.

4:24am, I'm going to try to get another hopeful hour before I face the outside world again.

Ocean ride

I imagined the thrum and throb
To be an annoyance and distraction
But the hum of the engines
Sends a rhythm up through the soles
Of my non slip shoes

The ocean is a pull, mother nature
At her finest, in every direction

I wave goodbye to an old me
And embrace the one I can smile with

The ocean is churned up in our wake
Lines of disturbance,
Little, more, turbulent, little
Every so often, blue shapes
Mix in with the turmoil

"Jellyfish!" They tell me
And so I wave and ask
"How are they not dead?"

There's no answer, as we all breath deep
Of the calming rock, rock, rock
Of a long forgotten childhood nursery rhyme.

Worried from afar!

Worrying about her
in her distance and enigma
something had shifted
the sands or the tilt and axis
of her universe

Subtly was never a gift
but I cannot ask, truly ask
about whether or not
things were as they appeared
for her appearance
had shifted the slightest degree

NaNoWriMo you will be my bitch!

When I consider all the stress going on in my life at the moment, I can see why it might seem utterly insane to take on the challenge of NaNoWriMo. However (otherwise known as BBBBBUUUUUTTTT) I cannot resist the lure and urge of the challenge. So, I will once again, be trying to attempt the near impossible ... But this year ... IT WILL BE MINE!!!
*insert evil laughter here*

Freight Train

It's the sound and the rumble
It vibrates through the soles
Of her over worn in shoes

She fears her own desire
To run away in the most ultimate
Of unforgivable ways

The way it thrums in her chest
Building a crescendo of feelings 
That are usually nothing but a bad day

She steps back, farther then she needs
The yellow line notf ar enough 
away from her imagination

It passing, the rumble rolling thunder 
in a suburb far far away
Never mind, she will be fine

Lines

I usually don't so much cross them
But I tap dance right over, back and forth

And then I normally trip over myself and land on my arse
But, at least I'm laughing

Unknown Dream

Heading downstairs
Each step, takes a year
Back I slip
It's the smell
It permeated from the kitchen counter

There it sits, the styrofoam box
The culprit that sent me back
Ten years, twenty
It's been too long

Nostalgia washes over me
In waves of warmth sweetness

The small red shapes of memory
Outside seeds, green tops
And temptation that makes me salivate

I bite, the first since a lifetime or more
Into memories forgotten behind
Painful later events

I push back the treacherous tears
And smile
Mornings up before the sun
Waking, curled in my blanket
In the the back of the multi colour tank

The smell is like an old blanket
And it's never going to be
For my own children
It's the thing that breaks my heart

My childhood, the rock of forever
Plowed into the earth of never again
And dreams of returning
Bigger and better, happy and healthy
A child to teach the technique to
Washed away so suddenly
When before now, I never ever realized
It was a dream I wanted to share with them