Cocoon

It's a bitter sweet sensation when you finally bare your soul, your secrets to another, even when the feedback is nothing but positive. It all becomes that little bit more real. I don't do well to exposure. 

My past, cruel and vicious events that have shaped me whether I wanted them  to or not are a completely different story. When I have worked through pain and anguish, disgust at my own self, feelings of betrayal from life's cruel ironies then I can babble about them for hours. I can laugh and roll my eyes and I can be pissed with the perpetrators (even when it is my own self) but not linger on any hatred. But events that I feel are the storm around my thinly veiled calm, this has never been my strong point. 

I wrap myself so tightly up with anything that will do, just to mask what's really happening inside. The true problem with this, is that even when I know that something is wrong, I have mastered my art of cocooning too well. I couldn't tell you what was wrong, even if I wanted to. I have my theories, but weeks later I will discover that wasn't even the true issue at all. High five (in the forehead) to being a master of the cocoon. 

Giants

They stumble from out of history

Life and fantasy

I feel my knees trembling beneath 

My inferiority complex

They are giants, fearsome and distant

As sirens they call and beckon with smirks 

I slink beneath unknown fears and horrors

But they continue, closer to my nightmares

Eyes penetrate me, pleasure and pain 

warped into crescendo 

I want to scream but cannot without voice

Their eyes glisten and I sink under their weight

A silence, heavy and thick like too many blankets

On a steaming night of restlessness

Gentle, too gentle and soft the point 

Of their touch, beneath my lowered chin

I give in and my head rises, flickering my eyes

They betray me and my desire to hide, to run, to not exist

It must be a trick, of light of deception

Until I feel the warmth from their enfolding arms

My giants; my protectors, 

cursed for too long by my own judgemental fear

My giants

Our adventures

Life is filled with a thousand daily adventures - there are things that terrify, things that inspire, things that invoke fear and doubt and joy. Sometimes, these things can all be found in individual journeys.

Frankie and I, we are embarking on two major adventures that at different times have not just evoked these emotions but a thousand or two others to go along with it. Sometimes good and at other times I have struggled to find good in it at all. But this is what human nature, what living is all about (at least that's what they say).

Frankie and I are trying to have a baby. Seems simple enough. Well, it seems that it isn't. Our journey is still in the infantile stages really and yet I feel as though the journey has already taken a life time. I have had exploratory surgery, looked at a detailed histories of unknown families in profiles all to find sperm (I dont know this much detail about my own family) and have been taking so many vitamins and tablets of all kinds I am beginning to feel like I could open up my own pharmaceutical company. There have been moments of pure excitement, visions of our family, of our little stranger. There have also been the fears, the doubts and the horrors that come with caring that much about another who in reality may or may not even come in to our lives. It's a stressful situation. Financially and emotionally draining, but there is more I would suffer for the chance to meet our little stranger.

But this is only part of our major adventures at the moment.

It's been awhile now, but things are at a point where they are progressing and it's all swimming around in my head like murky water with secrets too hidden through the thick colouring of the unknown.

Frankie is transgendered. For years I have known to some extent that she didn't feel right in her skin. There were days and sometimes even weeks where it wouldn't be an issue but those are fewer and further between now. Frankie has embarked on this journey and through many conversations, tears and break downs, I will travel this journey along side him, as his wife as I was before and will continue to be. In this we are also at a sort of first steps stages in the journey.

I have struggled with writing anything about it for several reasons. Firstly, not everyone in mine nor in Frankie's life know about the transition from female to male. It's not something you can always simply slip into conversation. Coming out wasn't always easy, and I feel for Frankie because he has to do it all over again. Another reason I have delayed in truly writing about it, is because I have felt as though I had no right. This is Frankie's journey, Frankie's story, surely it's not my place to write it down. In some ways that's true. I don't and can't know exactly what it is like to be transgender, but I am on this path with Frankie, and the journey I can write about, talk about is the one of taking the steps beside him to find a happier truer self for who he is.

Life is still filled with the smaller daily achievements, adventures, frustrations and disappointments. The larger adventures do not take away from these, but I've noticed in myself of late, they have helped me carry a slightly different perspective to them.

NC

Anniversary

Today is mine and Frankie's wedding anniversary. To most it might seem to be our first but in the reality of our lives it was in fact our second wedding anniversary. 

Two years ago we were asked by Frankie's father to move our wedding forward so that he could see his only child be married. It was a request neither of us hesitated to grant. 

We had a little over a week to organise an extremely small ceremony with half a dozen family on the balcony of the Ipswich hospital. I will never regret our decision to move the wedding forward for John. A year later, exactly, we had another wedding ceremony and reception for all of our friends and family. 

Today we celebrated our second anniversary. I love Frankie with all of my heart. The best of me is alive when we are together. I have thought today about all that we have come up against, worked through and survived. We are stronger for every challenge and I will fight to never take our marriage or our love for granted. 

There are huge changes on the horizon of our lives and marriage. And while some of these give me moments of terror, they also fill me with such hope and excitement. 

Things are changing and I'm working on this fear of change. 

NC

Latest Adventures

The adventures are rolling at the moment. There have been so many exciting things happening at the moment ... a lot of changes which are making my head explode at the same time as making my arms flap around with happy excitement. 

Hmmm, but where to begin?

There is a list of things, are without down playing any of them I want to share these things.

I finally received the beautiful long waited copy of Dr Nike Sulway's latest novel Rupetta. It's so beautiful, the paper thick and luscious in order to hold the beautiful of the words pressed upon it's pages. It's so surreal reading it again, in hard copy. Finding the small differences from the version I read some years ago. I'm reading it very slowly and enjoying the words as they rush over me.

I have now officially, legally changed my last name. It's taken so long for me to get around to it, but I finally did it. Me and my most amazing partner will be starting our family with one united name. I am now officially a Cohen. It's been interesting figuring out how to now sign my name. It's also a little daunting all the businesses and companies I now must contact in order to have all of my records changed to reflect my new name ... but it can't shake the excitement.

Work has sort of promoted me of sorts. I'm now Room Leader with my kids. I'm so excited (it was another arm flapping excitement moment) ... but it's a lot of new pressure and responsibility but now I've accepted that sudden forced time to grow up, I'm really excited about this opportunity. Plus, the biggest bonus being I get to stay with my kids and keep them in a routine and stability that I've been working on all year.

Latest news. We are moving! We found a place we truly love and adore. It's a little further out then I would have originally hoped, but it's worth it for the amazing feeling to our new home. We move next weekend so there is a whole lot of packing, calling and organising going on right now ... but it's going to be more than worth it.

I feel like there has been more things happening, but unfortunately these things have obviously overshadowed them, or my memory is simply failing me.

Oh I remembered another exciting thing for myself. I started working on a story that is flowing wonderfully. I haven't written anything I have felt as worthwhile for some time now, but this story, this tale it feels necessary and needed .... and makes me feel better.

New Literature!

I’m having an extremely jump around like a crazy person happy moment! I just preordered my very own precious little copy of Dr Nike’s new book, Rupetta … and now to test my patients … I have NONE! I want it in my hot little hands now, lol!

I’m so excited about getting it, about having it. I went and reread The True Green of Hope and have discovered that my copy of The Bone Flute which was loaned out to a friend has never been returned and the friend is no longer in my life. This saddens me greatly, I must now go on a hunting mission to find a new copy.

There is nothing like the excitement of waiting for a new shining book, and getting in touch with amazing literature.

(This was supposed to be published some time ago ... Oh interwebs how you mock me)

Too much electricity

The world has been in crazy disarray. Perhaps not so extreme but change is definitely not something I deal well with. Quite frankly it brings out the worst in me. I like to know the way things will go, I like a smoothness. But being the contradictory soul I am, I also get bored quite easily. So, I am difficult to please.

There have been a lot of changes of late, and it just doesn't seem that there is a light at the end of the tunnel - or perhaps there is but I'm terrified that it is a train.

I read about these amazing characters who are strong and determined and always know what to do, who they are and where they are going. My characters always turn out too much like me and lately I haven't written anything about any of them because I think one version of me floating around is quite enough thank you.

Don't take me the wrong way. I love my life. I love my partner and I love my best friend. I feel grateful every single day that I found the both in the one person. I am excited (and terrified) about what the future holds. The plans we are making for our lives together entwined and parallel, our desire to start a family. These are all amazing things, but not having control over some is sending fear finger tipping up and down my spine.

I'm also aware that I am feeling weighed down and as though I am buzzing with too much electricity running through my veins.

Perhaps it is merely my inner writer screaming to be listened to. It's time to pick up the pen and paper again